Content note: this post discusses a form of street harassment
The tantrum crops up time and time again. This time it’s because there was backlash from women towards an article teaching men how to chat up women who are wearing headphones. When women say they’d rather be left alone, men tend to completely lose their shit. Apparently it will cause the poor babies anxiety:
I do fear a future where no-one talks to anyone at all in real life out of sheer fear. Anxiety levels will spike.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) August 30, 2016
It’s funny how it’s almost always men pushing this nobody-ever-talks-to-each-other dystopia, while for women it actually sounds like it might alleviate anxiety somewhat, what with not having to worry about whether the latest man coming up to us wants to murder us, or merely rape us.
This is the thing men never understand, in pushing their imaginary world wherein men striking up conversation with strange women is polite, romantic, or otherwise not unpleasant: maybe you’re not a rapist murderer, but you could be. And even if a woman isn’t afraid, your advances may still be unwelcome, because sometimes people just want to ride the tube in peace, walk home in peace, drink a cup of mediocre coffee in peace.
So, men, let’s start from the assumption that your attempt to start a conversation with a complete stranger is more likely to be unwelcome than it is to be welcome. Yes, even if she does respond to you, that’s pretty likely to be out of a conditioned sense of politeness rather than any genuine desire to hear about your opinion of the book she’s trying to read.
Going from this assumption, there are few scenarios wherein it is acceptable for men to talk to women they don’t know in public places:
- If she’s in mortal peril and you need to rescue her. Maybe a time-travelling robot is trying to kill her. Or maybe the peril is more banal, and she has a long trail of bog roll stuck to her shoe, or she dropped her keys. At these points, it’s perfectly polite to say “You dropped this,” or “Come with me if you want to live.”
- If you’re a benefactor who is bestowing a completely non-conditional gift on her, such as handing her £50, or a gigantic diamond. It is then socially acceptable to say “excuse me, have this money,” hand it over, and then let her be on her way.
- If she’s doing a job, wearing a t-shirt saying “Ask me about mortgages”, or something similar. Please note, in this scenario, it is only acceptable to ask her about mortgages.
- Literally no other reason.
If you’re concerned that this might lead to you never getting to speak to a woman again, consider this: you’re probably an obnoxious tit. Get out and meet women in situations where you’re likely to have something in common with them: develop a hobby, get a bloody job in a non-misogynistic industry, &c., &c.
And meanwhile, leave women alone to just move about in the world without being bothered.
Another angry woman 
I’m sorry, but if there’s a killer robot from the future come to kill her, you’ll find me heading as fast as I can in the opposite direction!
I think society needs a new code of public respect and a distinctive but modest garment for the men who do this: the berkini.
I would welcome comments and advice from fashion experts, as my own designs are somewhat amateurish:
Take a dustbin and invert it over a berk;
Ensure that his head is modestly covered, to ankle length or below;
Some adjustment will be necessary in order to give a secure and comfortable fit: the recommended tool is a lump hammer but, with assistance, short lengths of scaffolding pole are a speedy and effective substitute;
To finish, nail the rim of the berkini to the ground.
Any hints on accessorisation?
This is not to be considered a continuation of Var by other means.
Thank you for writing this. It is a real pain when random strange men try to strike up totally unwanted conversation in public places, after having learnt some trick on the internet. So lame.