Dear Unilad, reloaded: an application

Unilad are advertising for new writers. I couldn’t resist…

Dear Uniladmag,

I notice you are looking for new writers who are–as you put it ‘banterous’. I should very much like to apply for this position.

I have several qualities which I feel would be of vital significance in my contribution to your publication, and which your current and former writing team appeared to lack.

Firstly, I have a good command of the English language, and do not make up stupid words like ‘banterous’. Indeed, my command of English is so comprehensive that, unlike your former and current writing team, I actually understand the meaning of the word. Your present gang of witless wankrags appear to lack the basic intellect to construct a good joke and are amused by, frankly, very worrying things.

This brings me on to my next point, Unilad. With me on the writing team, you’ll never fall prey to the dreaded Twitterstorm, as you will sort out all the shit in your backyard. I will not have you lot belching out guffaws of K Cider laughter at the notion of violent crimes, and develop a higher calibre of discussion than ‘Ooh, boobies’.

With my help, Unilad, you could cease to be the furtive wank-material of a Lynx-reeking fuckstain.

Looking forward to hearing from you!
Stavvers xoxoxo

Update: Unilad replied! It looks like they just can’t take the banter:

Thank you for your application. We regretfully decline.

As it looks like they are going to continue to be a festering pit of misogyny and grunting tedium, I wish all the best to my fellow applicants Chris Coltrane, who wrote a satirical application so good they may just fall for it, and Chris Nicholson who put it gloriously succinctly. I have now decided to apply to compile cryptic crosswords for them.