Am I Bi Enough?

Content note: this post might be very confusing for straight people. Sorry, buddy, I can’t help you. This isn’t for you. 

Happy Bi Visibility Day, the one day of the year where we blink into the visible light spectrum, usually only existing somewhere between X-rays and gamma radiation.

Every September 23rd, I find myself wriggling around the same themes and asking myself, “is bi a label that fits me?” then concluding, “yeah, OK, I use it, screw everyone else.” I am afraid to say that little has changed, and I’m still bloody wondering.

In the last few years, I’ve found that my life has arranged itself so that I don’t really spend much time with men any more, and the men I do spend time with–friends’ boyfriends, and my dad–aren’t in any sort of sex or dating context. This wasn’t a move that I made on purpose; it just fell out that way. I can literally count the number of good male friends on one hand. While wearing a mitten. I’m cool with this, because I have much more in common with people who are not men. Women and non-binary folk are awesome, while most men are, frankly, rubbish. Due to a freedom from men in my day-to-day life, this has naturally affected my sexual and romantic life, also for the better: it’s been years since I’ve shagged a man, and longer still since I’ve been in a relationship with one.

And I feel good about this. Sometimes I find myself describing my sexuality as “lesbian”, because it’s simpler, and feels more accurate for the time being. A lot of the time, I use the delightfully vague “queer”. But yet, on top of a cabinet like a Nespresso machine that ran out of the free trial pods, sits the label “bisexual”. Actually, that’s a bad metaphor. I use “bisexual” occasionally, while that Nespresso machine just gathers dust.

When I think about it, I wonder if it fits me any more. Should I just give it up and be uncomplicatedly lesbian? Am I even bi enough to be bi? Am I bi when I kind of made a choice away from men? Should I be using different labels in different contexts; shouldn’t a label be stable, or wait, were they meant to be mutable? Fuck, I should probably read some queer theory, shouldn’t I? Do I need bi for myself? Am I appropriating?

If someone asked any of those questions of themselves to me, I would immediately say, “Honey, if you want to use bi, use bi. You are bi enough.”

Yet as it applies to myself, the questions are questions, open and persistently jabbing at me. I don’t know, and it feels a little bit appropriative calling myself bi, when I’m merely a dyke who would probably sit on Idris Elba’s face if he asked me to.

But perhaps this is exactly what makes me bi. Perhaps this is the grand unifying factor between we bisexuals, more than who we fuck and who we fall in love with. Perhaps what brings us together is us asking Am I Bi Enough?

Am I bi enough?

It’s a question I only ever hear from bi people, diverse, beautiful bi people. I have never heard a bi person not ask it. It is a label which fits so many people, but yet we all question whether it suits us. I tell everyone else that if that’s what you want to use, then use it.

And I am bisexual. I could “justify” myself here by talking about facing sapphophobia; how I fancy and fuck people of other genders as well as my own gender, still (it’s really only men that I’ve minimised from my life); how yes, labels are mutable, context-dependent and ever-changing and yes, you can be a lesbian bisexual queer. But I don’t need to. None of us need to. We are bi enough; the “bi” in bisexual stands for how we are constantly second guessing ourselves, and what is queerness but questions without simple answers?

So here’s to all of us out here, asking whether we’re bi enough. We are. And today, we’re visible.

__

Enjoyed what you read? Consider becoming a Patron, or leave a tip


6 responses to “Am I Bi Enough?

  • Cpoffers

    I mean, discarding your bi identity simply because your dating habits mainly swing one way just seems to play into that notion that bi people are just gay/straight people who are confused and afraid/unwilling to commit one way or the other.

    And honestly, fuck that bi-erasing nonsense.

  • Robofish

    Besides, sexuality has never been *just* about who you’re having sex or a relationship with, has it? Most of us were clear about our sexuality before we’d done either of those things. If someone said ‘you can’t be straight unless you’re currently having sex with someone of the opposite sex’, we would recognise it as obviously bullshit.

  • Alex

    Happy bi-visibility day everyone.

  • yetanotherlefty

    My girlfriend describes herself as a lesbian. Her orientation changed while we were together and she feels like she communicates her self better by saying she is gay with one exception than saying she is bi but 99.9% interested in women. She is, of course, bi enough to call herself bi. And also she is gay enough to call herself gay.

    The best advice I have ever heard about labelling one’s orientation is : if you were single, what sort of people would you be looking for?

  • lastyearsgirl

    Love that line about how the “bi” in bisexual stands for how we are constantly second-guessing ourselves. I’m married to a man, monogamous and perfectly happy with that, but it doesn’t mean I fancy women any less.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: