Baking and eating #cuntsourdough

Content warning: this post discusses food and has pictures of food, it also mentions vomit

The moment you’ve all been waiting for is here. I baked my cunt sourdough bread.

sourdough open

 

Recipe

You’ll probably be familiar with the first three days of making the starter, because if you’re reading this you almost certainly read my first post on the matter. Or you read the Daily Mail, in which case, congratulations, you are far worse than the worst candida infection possible. Either way, this is my favourite presentation of the first three days of the starter recipe, on a handy card, courtesy of Women’s Health.

On the fourth day, I once again fed the starter a cup of plain white flour and half a cup of water. It had started smelling, well, sour, which everything I’d read about sourdough starters suggested it was still going well. About six hours after feeding, it looked like it could use a little more. It wasn’t bubbling as much as it had been and looked a bit sad. So I gave it another half cup of flour and a dribble of water. You probably don’t need to follow that step, it’s just that my kitchen was very warm last night so I think it might have developed quicker than expected.

And today, it was ready. I popped half of it in the fridge as a backup, and baked with the other half. I chose this recipe by Patrick Ryan because it seemed quite straightforward for a beginner, and it came with a video so I could see what everything was supposed to look like at each stage–remember, this is my first time making sourdough. I made only two changes to the recipe: firstly, I used my own starter rather than his suggested one, and secondly instead of using a couche cloth (I don’t think I’m middle class enough to know what that is) or a heavily floured tea towel, I used greaseproof paper.

For kneading the dough, I wore gloves: after all, wouldn’t it be absolutely disgusting if some human DNA were to make its way into my sourdough? I’d vomit at the thought of some of the skin flora making its way into my food: over 1000 bacteria live naturally on human skin and what if they, like, grew in there and made me ill?

I used ice cubes to create steam in the oven, making sure they were appropriate for the occasion:

IMAG0620

There was one point in the process where I fucked up: for the second prove, I put the loaves in the bowls seam side down. This fuckup, fortunately, was purely cosmetic and meant that the tops looked a little rough. I may also have not proved for long enough: this is entirely my own fault, I got bored. I proved for 2 1/2 hours, knocked it back and then proved for another 2 1/2 hours. I’ll admit, it didn’t exactly look great when I put it in the oven, and I think it’s because of those factors.

IMAG0621

The result

sourdough cooked

What, did you expect it to sprout pubes?

My concerns about it being a bit flat on the way into the oven were unfounded. It rose, and filled the house with the delicious smell of baking bread.

I think I overcooked it ever so slightly, as it looked a bit burnt in places. Aside from that, everything was looking like it was meant to. Tapping it made a hollow sound, and it smelled absolutely delicious. You probably know what baking bread smells like. It smelled like that. What, you were expecting it to smell of pussy?

They were also slightly misshapen, probably due to my cosmetic cockup mentioned earlier. Still, not bad for a first attempt at bread-making.

I let it cool for about 45 minutes before slicing.sourdough open

Was I worried about tasting it? No. Any pathogens which may have been in the sourdough starter probably couldn’t survive being blasted at 230°C. If they could, then good for them. They deserve to infect me.

It tasted like a pretty damn nice sourdough bread. Not the tangiest sourdough I’ve ever eaten, but solidly tasty. I really, really liked it. After having a little bite, I ate a slice with butter. The bread was still slightly warm and the butter soaked in and it was absolutely heavenly.

A lot of people on the internet seem to be under the impression it would taste like cunt. Of course it fucking didn’t. The only thing that really tastes like pussy is pussy. Given that this is a loaf of bread, obviously it didn’t taste like pussy. Learn biology, buddy.

So, can you bake sourdough bread with vaginal yeast?

The honest answer is, I still don’t know. As I’ve been clear about from the start, there were only tiny trace amounts of vaginal yeast mixed into the starter at the beginning, and sourdough starters pick up and grow wild yeast from the flour and environment. Since it’s behaved exactly as one would expect sourdough with a conventional starter to behave at every step of the way, in smell and consistency and behaviour, I think that it’s very likely that any yeast from my vag never grew, and what I have produced is literally just a normal sourdough starter, with neither vaginal yeast nor vaginal bacteria present.

If any microbiologists would like to volunteer to test a sample out of curiosity, I can give you a sample of starter; I’ve got loads in the fridge.

How’s your vagina doing btw?

Fine, thank you for asking. Immediately after harvesting (i.e. on Saturday), I cracked out the Canesten and nuked it. My nethers are now pleasantly back in balance.

That reminds me, I’m a little bit concerned that a lot of you don’t seem to know that vulvas/vaginas have yeast present all the time. It’s just… always there. It lives there. What a yeast “infection” (or thrush) is, is when things get out of balance and the yeast overgrows. However, there’s always some yeast living there, just chilling. So if you enjoy drinking from the furry cup, you’ll be getting yeast in your mouth. Since that’s probably not caused you any ill effects, calm the fuck down.

Future plans?

I have loads of starter in my fridge, so I feel like I might try making another batch and maybe rise it overnight this time, now I know what a long and tedious process the proving is. I would also like to try making it look a bit better next time–food presentation has never been my strong point, so it’s something I think I should work on.

And with practice, maybe I’ll keep the starter going and diversify recipes. Crumpets, bagels, pizza… I love all of those things, and I’m quite enthused about baking now.

I intend to eat the rest of these loaves, because they’re really quite nice. I might occasionally post updates.

I won’t be making beer or marmite/vegemite, as you all keep asking. That shit is really fiddly, and I cannot be arsed.

Several friends who know exactly what I’ve been doing have expressed an interest in eating some, so I’ll probably have them round for tea sometime.

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24 responses to “Baking and eating #cuntsourdough

  • Britney

    A woman at work today mentioned she’d read about a gal who used cultures from her vagina to make yogurt. Just a thought.

  • Wasi

    I predicted this after I read scientists had made cheese from armpit bacteria.

    In case you’re interested in trying:

    Also predicted that porn stars and various celebrities would sell cheese, yogurt, etc, made from yeast and bacteria from different parts of their body.
    Not sure if that would sell though. I certainly wouldn’t buy it and I eat mold cheese (with wine, of course).

    “Several friends who know exactly what I’ve been doing have expressed an interest in eating some, so I’ll probably have them round for tea sometime.”

    I know what you mean but my mind went straight to an all female porn video of vulva licking. I apologize for describing this delicious and alluring thought-crime.

    Thank you for describing your process and results. I do love science. Please continue.

  • talkchatter

    Glad to hear your experiment went well.

  • Ayasinan

    Congrats woman!!! i think you discovered something genius that could truly help!!!! thank you!

  • jemima2013

    Save me a slice!

  • Britney

    I am so tempted to show up with some homemade sourdough rolls for Thanksgiving, and after dinner, explain I followed your recipe.

  • Joshua Lutick-Fuller

    It’s candidia albicans in a yeast infection.

    It’s Lactobacillus sanfranciscensis that provides the sourness to proper sourdough cultures. Kazanchastania exigua, Saccharomyces cerevisiae, Candida milleri, and Candida humilis are normally the yeasts in sourdough.

    Having looked all this up I’m a little concerned about the idea of harvesting the wild yeast in concentration from this source. It’s not the right yeast and you’re missing the bacteria that actually makes the sourdough good. If you culture the starter for an extended period of time it will probably balance out the Lactobacillus sanfranciscensis of whatever is the local lacto bac but you’ll still have the wrong yeast until the local yeasts overrun the culture.

    What I am thinking is you didn’t actually make a sourdough culture at all and just proofed a high concentration of wild yeast and made bread. Also, it might actually be somewhat dangerous to people’s immune systems to eat this bread if I read this study correctly: http://www.nature.com/pr/journal/v43/n4s/full/pr19981052a.html

    If I am correct in my understanding heat-shocked candidia albicans triggers an immune response in humans. It’s probably best not to use this as a food source.

  • Anna

    Love your kitchen experiments! You can make great sourdough starter by giving it a boost with sauerkraut juice. Lacto fermented sauerkraut is super easy to make by yourself. 10 min prep and 3 or so weeks of watching it ferment. Fun.
    Bonus: eating it raw serves up a ton of lactobacillus, which is an enemy of candida. So make your own sauerkraut, prevent future yeast infections, and keep on baking bread. Sourdough grilled sauerkraut and swiss cheese sandwiches are amazing. (No more production of cunt starter, but, hey, you’ll be more comfortable and save on Canesten).

  • @Shell_US (@smonkey)

    That is some righteous bread! I’m not sure if someone else has mentioned this, but there is some types of bread that use, ” Clostridium perfringens, a close relative of bacteria that cause botulism, tetanus, and food poisoning. ” To rise.

    Apparently gold miners used it?

    http://www.popsci.com/article/science/clostridium-it-can-kill-you-or-it-can-make-you-bread

    Anyway…

    and back to the growth of your starter,
    the thing about a good sourdough starter is that it is designed to optimize the growth medium for tasty sourdough bacteria ( Lactobacillus sanfranciscensis (formerly L. sanfrancisco) don’t ya love that…San Francis-censis! awesome). So since its designed to grow the good guys faster they overwhelm any other bacteria in the medium. e.g. yur yeasts, the stuff off your hands, the stuff off the bowl, the stuff in the air…etc.

    To truly do it with your yeasts, you’d have to make a perfect medium and environment for those particular yeasts. So you’d need a starter more modeled after their snack preferences.

    So your poor defenseless yeasty buddies were competely overwhelmed and killed by the Lactobacillus Sanfranciscensis. Who went on to die in a horrible oven accident days later. Then you ate them.

    Cheers!

  • OverblownEgo

    Hey, thanks for doing this. I have to admit, I started reading this blog because I have an attraction to oddities and I was here to be grossed out. I didn’t end up getting that but I did enjoy reading about your bread making journey and I quickly got over any aversion I had to the idea of bread made with body flora. By the end when you bust out the science based reality of the situation I found myself a little sad a more personal signature bread was largely a thing of fantasy. You challenged my perceptions about what food is and where it comes from and I really appreciate it.

  • Fuck

    bitch!! scum, stupid animal! kill yourself!! if any, even a casual meeting I will kill you.

    • Jay are

      Perhaps don’t hide behind a name and let yourself be found? Oh that requires balls. Nevermind, you’re Illequipped. Perhaps I’ll give you mine..on your forehead haha. Also death threats are quite illegal and quite cowardly. I’ve found that those who make threats are usually the least likely to even speak in real life (that place outside ur moms basement.) just because you don’t know what a vagina is doesn’t mean you should fear it..they’re quite intriguing and delicious😉. Much love Bruv

  • Tim Boston

    You should make beer next. But what would you call it?

  • Jeff Kirby

    Congratulations on bread well done! I do hope some of that bread becomes a sandwich…. because sourdough is excellent for sandwiches.

  • ministrage

    It looks yummy, that’s great !!

  • eris

    i just found this, and am quite amused, as i recently did almost exactly the same thing.

    i didn’t have an infection, i just used a baby spoon to scrape around my cervix for the yeastie-beasties. like you, i fucked up the second proof, so it was a bit more flat than i had hoped.

    my reason for doing it was that in a wine-induced moment of anger at someone, i called them a twatwaffle. after being unable to clearly define what a twatwaffle was, i was challenged to make one and bring it to the next gathering of similar folk.

    once i had the starter, and made the bread, the waffles were easy. i found a oval waffle iron, used the sourdough batter, and voila! a little whipped cream around the upper edge, sprinkled with curled chocolate shavings, and an appropriately placed maraschino cherry made for the perfect twatwaffle to serve my friend.

  • shittatorsinspace

    I would never eat my vagina bread – with that being said, kudos to you for trying something out there. If Matt Damon can eat shit tators in space, you can certainly munch some cunt rolls. Fuck all the haters!

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