TERFs are using Nazi tactics. Don’t let it work.

Content note: this post discusses transmisogynistic bigots and Nazis

There was a hoo-ha last night, where a horde of trans women allegedly surrounded a transmisogynist gathering and one of the transmisogynistic bigots got punched.

Now, there are reasons to doubt their side of the events, reason to believe that the punch was in self-defence and major inconsistencies all across what they are claiming happened, and reasons to wonder why the police didn’t arrest anyone when they’re in the habit of nicking trans people for holding banners that hurt their feelings, let alone an alleged major assault. But I’m not going to talk about that. (update: seems as if it was an unequivocal act of self-defence (pics here) (witness statement here), which I can’t say I didn’t expect)

What I want to point out is the similarity in tactics between the transmisogynists’ narrative, and tactics deployed successfully by Nazis. Our current face of Nazism–the alt right, neo-Nazis, the far right, whatever your style guide demands you call them–rather like to play the victim. When Richard Spencer got punched (lol) the Nazis were very keen to whine about it. When anti-fascist protesters come out to defend their communities, the Nazis, and their chum Donald Trump, are falling over themselves to denounce violence “on both sides”. Centrists are always eager to back up these narratives, because they love a good middle ground almost as much as they love pretending they’re not enablers of fascism.

This, of course, serves a purpose. It drags discussion away from “Nazis are bad, how can we stop them?” to “punching is bad”. It has been a Nazi tactic since Nazis were invented; Hitler rather liked to claim that he and his were victims of unprovoked violence from the people they wanted wiped out.

Now, transmisogynistic bigots have rather a lot in common with Nazis already. They both share an unhealthy fascination with trans people’s genitalia, where trans people pee, concern trolling about safety, and a general desire to see trans people eliminated entirely. They have been known to work together on certain projects, in particular surrounding “bathroom bills”. It seems, in their cosy discussion groups about how to ban trans people from public life, the transmisogynistic bigots and the Nazis have also been exchanging tactics.

What the transmisogynists want more than anything in the world right now is to stop talking about their repulsive ideology and their repugnant tactics, and talk about the merits and drawbacks of political violence. They want to draw sympathy from the gullible centre, who uncritically lap up victim-playing rhetoric, because centrists dislike impoliteness far more than they reject hate.

Let’s not let them.

Let us stay focused on why there was a protest in the first place.

A few days ago, it was noticed that New Cross People’s Library was hosting an event headlined by one Dr Julia Long, a long-time harasser of trans women who picketed a lesbian pride parade. Those of us who aren’t exactly keen on hate crimes gave the venue a ring and asked them to cancel. The venue did.

Transmisogynists have a lot of access to money though. Bigotry is lucrative. This meant that they could move their little two hours’ hate to a private members’ club.

These are all things we could be talking about: the fact that there are rich bigots who have a proven track record of harassing trans women. But this is indefensible, so they’d rather we talked about something else. If not an alleged assault, it would have certainly been the old freeze peach complaint–again, a page straight out of the Nazi playbook.

So let us not play into their hands with endless, fruitless discussions of violence. Let us stay on topic: these are nasty people who do nasty, indefensible things with their money. Let’s not let this Nazi tactic work, but instead let’s think about everything these people have been doing. That they actively campaign to remove healthcare from people. That they join hands with Nazis to prevent trans people from leaving the house. That they have a visceral obsession with the genitals of little children. That they do everything in their considerable power to smear and harass women who are just trying to exist.

This is what they don’t want us talking about. And this is what we must keep talking about.

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Usually this is the point where I link to my Patreon. I’m not doing that today. Instead, I ask you to make a donation, big or small, to Action For Trans Health.


Short story: The Voice of Mathey Trewella

Her wife, Lowenna, thought that men were as fragile as seagrass and nowhere near as useful, dashing their ships into the treacherous rocks at the mere glimpse of a nipple…

I’m trying out something new: writing fiction. At the moment, I’m a little shy, so only sharing with a limited audience. Also, I appreciate a wee bit of material support. So. Read my love letter to lesbian mermaids, Cornish legends, Prince Eric being The Second Worst Disney Prince, and the acoustics of old churches over on Patreon now.

You can become a patron for as little as $1USD a month, and frankly, I appreciate the small donations just as much as the large. I have a few other ones on the go, pretty much all of them post-apocalyptic in some regard, and they’ll all be available to patrons, too, when I think they’re readable.

Cheers, and enjoy xoxoxo


Hijacking Con Air as utopian anarchist propaganda

Content note: this post contains Con Air spoilers, if you don’t know what goes down in a 20 year old film. It also mentions rape. 

After reclaiming Die Hard and Fight Club for the feminist cause, allow me to explain to you why 1997’s preposterous action thriller Con Air is, in fact, utopian anarchist propaganda.

Yes, really.

Con Air is an all-star vehicle for explosions, bunnies, Steve Buscemi channelling Hannibal Lecter, and a surprisingly progressive presentation of criminal and criminality. I’m going to assume you’ve watched this movie, or at least read the Wikipedia summary, as frankly I cannot be bothered to recount it for you. Basically, a lot of shit blows up, metaphorically and literally, when prisoners on a charter flight hijack the plane with a plot to fly off to a non-extradition country. Nonetheless, the most implausible thing about this film is that they sent a white military man with no criminal record to prison for killing an obnoxious working class guy.

The state is shit…

The view of the prison-industrial complex presented in Con Air is not a rosy one in the slightest. Neither, in fact, is any institution of the state. It is entirely the fault of the state that any of this happened at all.

First, let’s look at what a fucking awful idea it is to pack an aeroplane full of the nastiest prisoners in the first place. The plan, from the state’s perspective, is that they would like to fill up a shiny new supermax prison that they have just built. And it didn’t even occur to them that these nasty prisoners might not want to go to a supermax prison, and might think about saying fuck that shit. There is a long list of people who would not be dead had capitalism and government not colluded to make a lot of money by building a very large prison and having to fly people across the country to populate it.

Now, I get that this is very much a pre-9/11 film, and therefore perhaps inadequate precautions are taken to defend against hijacking. But nevertheless, as soon as the hijacking attempt begins, in effect the state’s action is to hand the hijackers a gun.

Due to shitty communication between state agencies, there are two guns within the cabin of the plane, and the other, too, is swiftly taken by the prisoners. Later in the film, a cache of weapons is discovered in the hold of the plane, including fucking rocket launchers. Every single weapon the prisoners use is a literal weapon of the state, and the state pretty much handed those weapons over.

So, the state supplied prisoners with an aeroplane and a bunch of weapons. Oh, and also a pilot, because nobody at any point thought it would be a bad idea to put a prisoner who knows how to fly a plane onto their sodding plane.

Those are the big fuck-ups, incidentally. We also see numerous safeguarding infarctions, most egregiously the failure to provide a diabetic prisoner with his medication in a timely fashion: that insulin should have been administered long before Baby-O ever boarded the plane.

The state personnel, our personifications of the state, are not all that bright. They are easily fooled, over-confident in their equipment and processes, and unwilling to listen to anything that might suggest they are anything less than total fucking supermen. In reality, they are a bunch of man-children, eager to play with their favourite toys.

The exception is John Cusack’s character, Vince Larkin, who is rightly critical and concerned throughout. Without Larkin, the prisoners’ plan to fly off into liberty would have been realised. It is he who spots the flaws in the staid, conservative state’s response. Larkin has an analysis of the social model of crime, derided by his colleagues. And he saves the day by stealing a car, then a bulldozer, then a motorbike, because laws about vehicular ownership are an obstruction to getting things done.

Our other of-the-state but not of-the-state character is Nicolas Cage’s Cameron Poe, a prisoner about to be released on parole and former ranger. Like Larkin, Poe is perfectly willing to go off the script of the laws of the land in order to save the day, and as well as some assaults, desecration of a corpse, and handling firearms that he is not licensed to handle, he joins Larkin in a spot of theft of a vehicle.

…but people are all right

For a film with a body count as high as Con Air, there is surprisingly little mindless violence on display. Sure, there’s heaps of violence, but the vast majority of it is not mindless in the slightest.

Let’s be clear: Con Air takes place under exceptional circumstances. There is violence, and almost all of the violent acts presented to the audience serve a function. For the most part, the violence is to achieve a goal it is difficult to argue with: liberty. The prisoners want freedom, and they are handed an opportunity to take it rather than live out the rest of their days in a supermax prison. This is why they kill, with the targets predominantly being state agents and those who do anything to oppose the plan.

Violence in Con Air is generally a purposeful act towards a goal. The very literal anarchy following the removal of state forces is not a descent into senseless chaos, but rather, a kind of order emerges as we see the characters work together towards a mutual goal. Together, the prisoners solve problems that arise, such as inconvenient deaths that could have ruined a deception; digging out the plane from the sand; and landing a plane under incredibly difficult conditions. It is possible, had they escaped, that perhaps they would have lived out their time in peace.

Two of the prisoners on the plane are explicitly labelled “criminally insane”, yet their actions appear contrary to the label slapped upon them. John Malkovich’s Cyrus the Virus is a rational man, never committing violence without reason, dedicated only to his pursuit of freedom. Steve Buscemi’s Garland Greene is a serial killer, brought aboard the plane in a mask. When presented with the opportunity to murder a little girl, he does not take it and befriends the child. He appears to end up peacefully, as a professional gambler in Las Vegas.

Some of the prisoners’ reasons for being in prison in the first place are presented to us, and again, they do not always seem irrational: for example Ving Rhames’s Diamond Dog has his crime fully outlined: he blew up an NRA meeting and said they represented the “basest negativity of the white race”. He’s not wrong there.

Indeed, the only particularly mindlessly violent character we see is serial rapist Johnny-23. However, all of the characters explicitly reject his behaviour, and some of the prisoners make it their business to protect a female prison guard from him. Not just our good guys, like Poe and Baby-O, but Cyrus, too, uses threats to ensure that Johnny-23 will behave himself. It is only when Cyrus is not present that Johnny-23 makes an attempt: and is immediately, gratifyingly, taken out by Poe.

DON’T! TREAT! WOMEN! LIKE! THAT!

The characters in Con Air have better politics about sexual violence and dealing with rapists in their midst than far too many anarchist men! They’re also more accepting of trans identities than too many anarchos to mention: when a trans prisoner expresses her gender identity, the characters are quick to accept her.

As if this is not enough, the point is driven home to us at the very end, where money begins to rain on the Vegas Strip. Infinite wealth falls into the hands of the proletariat–and all of the criminality and violence ceases completely. All crimes are crimes of necessity, Con Air tells us.

It is entirely plausible that, had the prisoners’ plot succeeded, everything would have turned out fine. Most of them aren’t just killing for funsies–they’re committing violence for a very specific purpose.

Give me a sequel

Con Air is high up my list of films I’d love to see a sequel to, and here’s why: we need it. The prison-industrial complex has only ratcheted up its game in the last 20 years. How much worse would it be with better weapons and post-9/11 security? Some of the same characters would likely still be in the system. And fuck it, let’s have a women’s prison on that plane: I want to see women committing perfectly explicable acts of violence in the name of liberty, as well as men.

And this time, let’s give everyone a happy ending.

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How to punch a Nazi without actually punching them: some practical self defence tips

Content note: this post mentions fascists, police and physical violence

I will start with a confession: I have never thrown a punch. I know I’m not very good at it. I have a bit of a weakness in my left wrist–my dominant hand–from a break. I can never quite remember whether it’s thumb-in or thumb-out for making a fist. My balance is pisspoor. If it came down to it, I would not be able to literally punch a Nazi.

But that’s all right, because the ethos of punching Nazis does not require us to literally smack them with our fists. Punching a Nazi is an act of radical, physical self-defence. It is protecting oneself and others from those who would have us dead. It is choosing not to run, or not having the option of running, so having to fight physically against someone who wants to kill you. It is hurting them before they can hurt you. It can be a punch–if you do want to punch a Nazi with your fist, here’s how–or it can be other forms of self-defence which will protect you and everyone else from harm.

Now, a disclaimer. I present these tips as self-defence, which is perfectly legal. These tips are for protecting your person when you are under threat, to give yourself an opportunity to escape. If you just waltz up to your neighbourhood Nazi, smack them round the chops and get nicked, I’m not responsible. Okiedoke? Legal duties discharged, let’s look at how you can punch Nazis without literally punching them.

I learned many of these tips in a queer self-defence class a few years back. The class was designed for all abilities, and I found it very helpful. This is why I share these tips, as I hope it will help many of us feel safer in the frightening future.

Feel strong

Think about your own body. What can it do? What are you definitely able to do, and what are you definitely not able to do. Can you twist your shoulders? Can you balance on one foot? Can you raise your arms high? Can you move quickly without joints popping out of place? Not everyone will be able to do all of these suggestions. But there will likely be something in these suggestions that you will be able to do.

How do you feel balanced, and protect the parts of your body that you know might hurt? This awareness of your body makes you strong.

Now think of the parts of your body that are hard and strong. If you want, try gently hitting yourself. Your elbows are hard. Your palms, your fingertips. Your knees. Your feet. What parts of your body feel solid? These will form your fists.

Think about their weaknesses

Above is a handy diagram of neo-Nazi Richard Spencer, modelling some of the weaker points on an opponent’s physique. Eyes are squishy, and there’s an instinct to protect them. Noses are easily broken and fucking hurt. Throats, well, throats hurt rather a lot if hit. The solar plexus is full of nerve endings, and causes maximum pain. Ever knocked your knee or shin in a dyspraxic vs coffee table showdown? Ow, right? And of course, the crotch. If a Nazi has balls, they will go down like a sack of shite if that area is hit, but it also hurts rather a lot getting whacked in the pussy.

These are the areas that you will aim for when punching a Nazi.

The silent duck

The silent duck is a queer fist, which is why I like it so much. If you’ve never got into fisting, what you do is make a naked sock puppet with your hand. Unlike with fisting, if you have long nails, all the better: the silent duck might be a tactic for you.

With your silent duck, the aim is to “peck” at the Nazi’s eyes or solar plexus. A short, sharp move like a striking snake, making contact with your fingertips. Try it on your other hand. For fingertips, it makes surprisingly strong contact. In the eyes, especially if you have nails, you will likely no longer have to defend yourself from the Nazi you silent ducked. It also works very well on the solar plexus. When I was talking about this with my partner once, I demonstrated on them with the gentlest tap–my aim was to show that there’s a lot of power there and a lot of nerve endings in the area. Instead, with my light tap, I brought tears to their eyes. I felt very bad about this, but that’s how effective the old silent duck is.

Hands

Your palm is good for slapping. But the heel of it is even better for hitting. Again, you might want to try gently smacking your body with the heel of your own palm. Now think of how much that would fucking hurt a Nazi if you hit them in the throat or solar plexus with that palm. Another option is pushing that heel of your palm upwards into the bottom of their nose. That will give you enough time to get away to safety, while they deal with a nose that is probably bleeding and definitely painful.

The side of your hand also has some uses. Now, I’m not suggesting karate chops, because they’re the sort of thing that requires training. However, if a Nazi turns up behind you, you can swing your arm in an arc and catch them in the nads with the side of your hand.

Elbows

My old yiayia was a formidable woman. Four feet of sheer fury, she always got herself on the bus first. When she moved through a crowd, she’d kind of mince along, elbows akimbo, making space for herself. It worked, because elbows are perhaps one of the most vicious parts of the body, deployed correctly.

There are three angles at which you can use your elbows. You can defend yourself from a fascist to your side, aiming your elbow for their nose, throat or solar plexus. You can swing your elbow backwards to hit the Nazi in those same spots if he is behind you. If there’s a Nazi in front of you, you can swing that elbow forwards.

Knees

A Nazi’s knee is a weak point, but your knee can be strong. You can knee them in the crotch, and it will definitely give you a chance to get away. Even if you miss, you’ll get them in the thigh with a pretty bony part of your body. This move does require a bit of balance, but is incredibly effective if you’re able to pull it off.

Feet

Your feet are good for kicking, especially at shins. However, kicking can hurt you if you’re not wearing suitably comfortable, sturdy shoes. Personally, I wear Doc Martens most of the time, because they are nigh-on indestructible, and I have callouses in all the places that DMs tend to rub. So I can kick at a shin if I needed to.

Your feet can also be a weapon in other ways. You can stamp on their feet, aiming for the instep. If a Nazi is behind you, you can also scrape your foot down their shin, which is painful for them, and works particularly well if you’re wearing block heels.

Combos

A combo is sometimes a useful thing, and think about combos that might work. For example, scraping your foot down a Nazi shin, following up with a stamp on their instep. Feints can prove useful too: for instance, feinting a silent duck towards the eyes, then as their instinct kicks in to protect that, a swift knee to the nads.

Finding what works for you

To find what works for you, you’re going to have to look a bit dorky. Practice into the air, aiming upwards and downwards. See which moves come naturally to you, and which don’t. See if there’s any that you physically can’t do. Which moves make you feel strong and safe, and which make you feel off-balance or unprotected? Not everything will work for you. For example, I can’t swing my elbow forwards very well. For example, when it comes to kneeing, I favour my right knee: I feel better balanced keeping my left foot on the ground than my right. I’m hopeless at elbow strikes when swinging forwards, but it feels very natural going backwards.

If you’re not feeling strong just practicing the moves into the air, then you’re not going to be able to do it making contact with Nazi flesh. So write it off: that’s something that doesn’t work for you.

Develop your own ways of doing things, weaponising the hard parts of your body against the soft parts of a fascist. There is no right or wrong technique, just a way of making contact that hurts them but not you.

Practice, practice, practice

Once you’ve figured out what works for you, it’s time to build some muscle memory. Practice hitting something. A pillow or mattress will do. If you have access to pads and a friend who doesn’t mind pretending to be a Nazi for a bit of time, practice against that. Practice combining the movements that work for you.

And once again, look goofy. Drill yourself. Practice each day, even if it’s into the air. Like an absurd tai chi, I will usually find the time to run myself through my favourite moves. Many of us freeze when confronted with danger, so teach your body some moves that will become instinctive for you.

You got this. If it comes down to it, you can punch a Nazi.

I’ve said, many times before, that fighting fascism is a messy, ugly business. Self-defence techniques are not the absurd “honourable” fighting styles. But they might just save your life, or the life of someone you love.

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Opposing fascists makes us better than them

Content note: this post discusses nazis, violence, murder

The emboldened far right across the pond are now at the point of marching in the streets with their swastikas and literally killing people who oppose them. Most of us–and many of us who are reading this–told you this would happen. There was resistance: the Charlottesville community did not let neo-Nazis go unopposed. They stood together, and did what they could to stop those fuckers from passing and show that they utterly reject the far right ideology. Symbolic, perhaps, but utterly necessary.

Standing against literal fucking Nazis is the most basic fucking resistance, and one which it perpetually surprises me remains controversial. Sure, the fash hate it, and that’s to be expected. But there are also pockets of liberals who are utterly disgusted by any squeak of resistance. They would rather not see opposition, but are wedded to us all sitting down with people who would like to see us dead, and having a nice debate. To do anything other than chum up and be nice to Nazis makes us as bad as them. 

Hating Nazis is bigotry.

Hating racism is hateful and bad.

Expressing horror at Nazis is intolerant and stepping on their free speech.

Physically preventing Nazis from operating and organising is the worst kind of violence.

Any squeak of opposition to fascism, in this jolyonic mindset, makes us just as bad as the Nazis.

Let me tell you this: that’s bullshit. Hating and opposing Nazis makes us better than them. It means that we have the basest level of comprehension that this is a violent ideology that must be organised against and rejected. The lives of our friends, our family, our loved ones depend upon it. This is an ideology that would see so many people exterminated. They are already killing people. Not metaphorically, not indirectly through policy, but literally fucking running down people in cars. This is an ideology which, seventy years after a war which was ostensibly to stamp that shit out, is once again gaining ground.

Resistance is an ugly, messy business. It is real people opposing a real problem. Sometimes this resistance entails hurting a Nazi’s feelings. Sometimes it involves real people physically preventing fascists from assembling or marching (for the numpties at the back: go and learn what freedom of speech is if you think that’s violating any freedom of speech rights). Sometimes it will involve physical violence.

The kicker is, it probably wouldn’t have had to get to this point if more mainstream support–rhetorical and street-based–had been given to anti-fascist organising before large groups of swastika-waving fash felt ballsy enough to march around in the streets.

A lot of the people getting squeamish over any semblance of resistance to Nazis would be the first to say that yeah, they’d probably go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. So why the pearl-clutching over some Nazis getting a smack in the face? Is it because their friends, family and loved ones are more likely to be fucking fash than the people who will be threatened by them? Is it because they just never bothered learning their history?

Either way, now is not a time for hand-wringing. It’s a time for opposition. It’s got too far already, and it cannot be allowed to get any further. Take a principled stand, in any way you can. Organise. Support organisation. State clearly that you oppose fascism in all forms. You don’t have to personally punch any Nazis, but stand with those who do.

I’m an optimist, so I feel like we are not truly fucked yet. We’re on a knife-edge, but we have a chance to prevent another rise of the Nazis. But to do that, we need the liberals to get over their distaste for any form of opposition.

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Online abuse: men are the worst, and right-wing white men are the worst of all

Content note: this post discusses online abuse, death threats, misogyny, transphobia, homophobia and neo Nazis

The media discourse on online abuse has always been bloody dire, controlled by people from powerful platforms who are, briefly, wrested from their little grammar school debate club bubble. If you’re reading this blog, you probably feel this already. It’s a dangerous discourse, rooted mostly in bruised ego and utter obliviousness, but I cannot help but think that perhaps it serves a murkier function.

Yesterday, journalist Owen Jones tweeted a sample of the homophobic abuse he receives frequently from right wing men. If one scrolls down the thread, you will see that a certain Professional White Woman Expert On Internet Abuse™ begins yelling at him for pretending that right wing men are the problem, when the real enemy is left wing men and that Jones was derailing from this. In waded the boyfriend of a New Statesman editor to air his views that he was called a “dick”, just that day, by someone on the left (gasp!). Later, A Very Intelligent Man And Homebase Shopper decided to just pop in and go on like Jones was the one being derailing and disingenuous.

All Owen Jones did here was point out that online abuse from men on the right is disgusting, toxic and vicious. And he’s right. I think most of the demographic who read this blog would agree that right wing men are the worst abusers of all, and have at least once received a deluge of nastiness from the neo Nazis, if not a full-on campaign of hate. But in doing that, he challenged the mainstream model, and ranks closed as they felt their control on the narrative slip just slightly.

To the clique, the narrative goes like this: Nice White Ladies are the primary victims internet abuse. Misogynists are conflated with someone who disagrees with some of the frankly unpleasant and oppressive stances these people take. Secondary victims could include  melts being called melts. “Jolyon” and “cis” are apparently slurs on a par with the N-word (perhaps worse, given how silent this large media club remained on the horrific misogynoiristic abuse received by Diane Abbott). This post is abusive, because it’s written by a Not So Nice White Lady, features the word “melt”, mentions Homebase, and disagrees with them.

I mention obliviousness as an explanation of this behaviour, because it may be in part true. Imagine living your whole life in a small privileged bubble of being told you’re special, only to have it exposed that actually, most of the rest of the world think your hot takes are rubbish and wrong. That’d sting. And if you go through life without receiving much nastiness, on account of lucky accidents of your birth, it can make you feel like when you experience a bit of meanness, it’s somewhere on a par with the vicious racism and misogynoir which daily grinds at Black women and WoC; that your being called a slug is comparable with frequent bouts of open homophobia; that someone suggesting your latest newspaper column is shit, using the word “shit”, is exactly the same as when trans women are harassed, threatened, and put at risk.

However, it’s also true that these people receive less shit from the right than the rest of us. This is because they are not resisting right wing men. Men, all men, have pretty much two modes when it comes to relating to others: they like you, or they want to grind you to fucking dust because you haven’t given them their own way. White, right wing, cishet men seem to have the speediest hair trigger on deciding they want to destroy you. And if they don’t want to tear you apart, what are you doing to appeal to them?

The answer is that the particular media sect that likes to control the narrative are useful to the right–from the common-or-garden Tories to the outright neo Nazis. These groups share enemies in common. The TERFs are useful to the right for their hard work in doxxing and smearing trans women. The SWERFs, likewise, but in attacking sex workers. The media misogynoir and calls for a debate about Ordinary People’s Very Real Concerns About Immigration is very useful to the wider cause of racism and white supremacy. The hacks provide a nice, respectable face for the abominable views of the right and do great work in furthering it.

And, of course, any resistance can then easily be smeared as abuse. Perhaps, even, viewed through the lens of ignorance, it can be felt as abuse.

I am not saying here that men on the left are above reproach. Indeed, I’ve pissed off a fair few in my time by engaging in intra-community efforts to tackle misogyny, because it’s our struggle to have (not one for the slugs!). However, it is the right who are by far the worst perpetrators; and I think anyone who has gone up against them by the mere act of existing while opposed to their ideals will agree.

Online abuse narratives are fucked, and it is incredibly difficult to allow the truth of the situation to get out, since it is so controlled by those who would promote a conservative agenda. But the fact of the matter is this: those who talk most about it from their platforms are often the ones who receive least.

Related: How online abuse is politically hijacked, Owen Jones

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Recipe: Easy-peasy chili chocolate vegan sourdough cupcakes!

Content note: this post discusses food. And pussies.

If you just want the recipe without having to wade through this obnoxiously long story section where it’s difficult to find anything you want, it’s available to patrons on my Patreon!

sourdough cupcakes

I know I tend to hold controversial opinions, but an opinion of mine which draws most gasps is that I don’t like cake. There, I said it. I don’t like cake. And the reason I don’t tend to like cake is because I can’t fucking stand eggs, and I find that when cake is made with eggs, it tends to have a kind of… egginess. Meanwhile, vegan cake is better, due to the non-egginess, but often, it has a bit of a heavy texture.

Now, though, I’ve made a cake I actually like. It’s not eggy, because it contains no eggs, and yet it manages to have the softness and lightness of a non-vegan cake! Let me introduce you to my cunt sourdough cupcakes. Or cunnycakes, I suppose.

I mentioned in an earlier post about making sourdough pancakes that the chemical reaction between sourdough starter and bicarbonate of soda is quite remarkable, and creates a texture similar to having to fuck about with eggs to put air into them. These cupcakes use this same reaction to create lift, with a little bit of help from self-raising flour (1 and 1/4 cups).

I’m a huge fan of chili, coffee and chocolate, so this formed the basis of my cunnycakes. I started off by boiling up 5/6 of a cup of water, and adding it to just under half a cup of cocoa powder, a tablespoon of instant coffee and half a teaspoon of chipotle chili flakes. I adore smokey chili flavours, and these gave the cakes a little kick at the end. I also added a tablespoon of espresso vodka, which is probably strictly optional, but it was kind of vanilla-ish and straight from the freezer, which cooled the mixture down a little quicker. You’ll want to wait till it’s tepid once you’ve mixed it all to smooth.

Usually, I’m really annoyed by recipes which call for mixing dry ingredients with wet, because they often call for tedious folding to keep the air in. I’m just too heavy-handed to be gingerly and gently folding my flour into the wet ingredients, so I cannot be fucking arsed with that bullshit. I’m pleased to report that this recipe requires precisely zero folding, and all the mixing can be done quite quickly. Also, it’s quick as fuck: it actually took longer for the cocoa-coffee-chili mixture too cool than it did to mix everything together and bake it in the oven! The baking is literally ten minutes at 180C in a fan oven!

For the dry ingredients, I used the self-raising flour and 3/4 cup of sugar. I went with caster sugar, as I had some in the back of my cupboard, I have no idea how it’d turn out with other forms of sugar. And, of course, for raising, I used half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda.

Bicarbonate of soda is alkaline, so needs something acidic to react with. Sourdough starter is an acid, so half a cup of that goes in. You all know all about my sourdough starter, which includes a bit of vaginal yeast. Obviously, that bit is optional. Sourdough starter has a pH of about 4-4.5, which is roughly similar to a human vagina anyway–our minges have a pH of around 3.5-4.5! However, I wouldn’t recommend just using pussy juice instead of the sourdough starter, as you’d have to do some sort of arcane calculation to figure out how to change the flour ratio. For extra acidity, I also added a tablespoon of lemon juice.

So, basically, I mixed my dry ingredients with the sourdough starter, lemon juice, chili-chocolate-coffee mixture and half a cup of coconut oil. This was the first time I’d ever cooked with coconut oil, and because it was a hot day, it was ideal. To turn it from a solid, which it is when it was cool, to a liquid, I just left it on my balcony for about five minutes. What wasn’t completely liquid at room temperature quickly melted when mixed with the tepid chili-chocolate-coffee mixture.

That all got mixed together with a whisk, until it formed a smooth batter, which basically resembled… cake batter. Like, normal cake batter. Unfortunately, it doesn’t taste anywhere near as good, because uncooked sourdough starter tastes pretty funky. If licking the bowl is your favourite thing about baking, you’re going to be disappointed, but your disappointment will soon be alleviated by some tasty fucking cakes.

I had no idea how many cakes this recipe would produce. I expected maybe about twelve, but as I started spooning the mixture into cake cases, it turned out to be much more. Much, much more. You can get about 24 cakes out of this recipe.

At this juncture, I still had no idea what to expect. Would they rise at all? Would they resemble cakes? Would they rise too much and take over my oven, claiming it as The Autonomous Republic Of Utterly Failed Cake Baking? I suppose, what I expected was that kind of close-textured thing you often end up getting with vegan baking.

I was wrong. Midway through the bake, I needed to turn the tray around, because my oven is much hotter at the back than it is at the front (even though it’s supposed to be a fan oven). “Fuck me,” I said, out loud. “I’ve made cakes.”

And when they came out of the oven, they were definitely cakes.

cupcake inside

More like conventional, non-vegan cakes. More like the sort of thing you usually make with eggs!

And reader, they were really fucking good. They had a coconutty taste from the coconut oil, which tempered that pleasant bitterness of coffee and cocoa. At the end, there’s a very light chili kick. I took a bunch of cakes round to a Scarlet Ladies meetup, and they were proclaimed delicious.

Using the sourdough-bicarb reaction, I expected to produce something edible, possibly even bordering on passable. Instead, I managed some really good, yummy cakes, which I’ll definitely be making again. I hope you have a go at cooking these tasty girls yourself. You have everything you need to replicate this recipe in this post, but if you want it in an easier format, it’s in basic recipe form on my Patreon.

Happy baking!

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