I don’t know why this nice racist hasn’t got a girlfriend.

Nice guys. They bring the good name of all male-identified people who happen to be decent human beings into disrepute. The nice guy is a whinging mass of benevolent sexism, befriending women in a creepy attempt to get into their knickers then turning hostile as their efforts fail. Usually, they hit the point of tedium where it isn’t even worth commenting on them. It takes a little extra edge to become a truly egregiously awful nice guy.

Last year, I found one who shat in the grave of Pastor Niemöller with a pastiche which began with “When the feminists came for the rapists…” This year’s contender has an image he would like to share with us to explain his emotional state.

The image consists of nine images, arranged in a square.

Panel 1: Picture of a grinning shirtless white man with excessively erect hair doing the double finger-point, captioned “HEY LADIES… HOW’S IT GOING?”

Panel 2: Picture of the same shirtless white man, wearing a patronising expression and wagging a finger, captioned “DO YOU KNOW?”

Panel 3: Picture of some American money (at a guess, and for the groaning pun to work, I think it’s a dollar bill), captioned “YOU’RE SINGLE BECAUSE…”

Panel 4: Picture of a white heterosexual couple frolicking on the beach. The woman is wearing a bikini and is smiling at her faceless lover, who is fully dressed and a bit of a hipster. Captioned “YOU WANT LOVE LIKE THIS”

Panel 5: Picture of six black men wearing street attire, captioned “YET GO AFTER GUYS LIKE THIS.”

Panel 6: Picture of the man from the first two panels, thankfully clothed and wearing glasses. He has a smug look on his face and is holding his chin in a superior fashion, captioned “INSTEAD OF A GUY LIKE THIS”.

Panel 7: Picture of a crying white woman androgynous person, who is apparently called Chris Crocker, captioned “AND END UP LIKE THIS”.

Panel 8: Picture of a frustrated-looking Asian man, who Twitter has informed me is Jackie Chan, captioned “LEAVING US GOOD GUYS LIKE THIS”.

Panel 9: Picture of a black man, who I think might be the rapper Xzibit, smiling. Captioned “AND THOSE GUYS LIKE THIS!”, which neatly clarifies that our nice guy picture-maker seems to have a problem with black people having sex with white women.

I literally have no idea why this charming little racist doesn’t have a girlfriend. Must be women’s fault, somehow. Perhaps more finger-wagging will teach us the lesson we need to learn.

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11 responses to “I don’t know why this nice racist hasn’t got a girlfriend.

  • Soph

    Panel 7 is a guy called Chris Crocker :) which makes it even more funny, I guess.

  • Daniel

    Haha. How long did you spend agonising over how to describe the fifth caption? ‘Six black men in street attire’. You talking to a person from an ethnic minority must be the most awkward thing ever ‘must not mention race. Must not say anything that could possibly be construed as racist. Must apologise for slavery’. How many black people do you actually interact with on a regular basis? From a real life black guy.

    • stavvers

      I imagine my interactions are a damn sight better than Mr Nice Guy’s ;)

      • Daniel

        To be honest, I’d rather meet him than you. I don’t find his obvious distaste for ‘gangsta’ culture offensive at all. Your condescending, protective, so-desperate-not-to-offend-its-clear-she’s-highly-uncomfortable-about-race, however…

      • Daniel

        Oh, and you know what black people really love? White, insular middle class people nominating themselves to speak on their behalf, informing everyone what they (black people) find offensive.

    • neverdefiled

      You talking to a woman must be the most awkward thing ever ‘must not mention anything that might stop me getting laid. Must not say anything that could possibly be construed as sexist. Must apologise for patriarchy’. How many women do you actually interact with on a regular basis? From a real life woman.

  • Cadno

    Boy racists don’t meet girl racists then ? Maybe there aim’t no such thing as a girl racist I reckon. Made of sugar and spice and all thinks nice they are.

    I feel all warm inside. Night night.

  • neverdefiled

    Aww look! All the Nice Guys came out to play.

    Good job dudes, keep adding to that pile of evidence against you.

  • Jasmine

    What is that mans name

  • Mike

    Yeah, just saw this today, and sadly didn’t make the racism connection, but the patronizing and ‘out of touch with reality’ I picked up on right away.

    The last girl I was with always paraded me in front of her ‘nice guy’ friend. Wonder if, in his mind’s eye, I was some roided out Jersey Shore thug. I don’t look like one mind you, it’s just I find hilarity in the trademarked ‘nice guy’. They make any guy who can more adeptly pursue women out to be a jerk.

    I recall one ‘nice guy’ in particular once complaining about how this other guy his amore was pursuing ‘didn’t wash his hands’, as if this was some sin against humanity.

    ‘Nice Guys’ are essentially ‘no fun guys’ and don’t realize it.

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